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Supporting Children
Children suffer grief when someone they know and love dies, although they may express their feelings somewhat differently than adults. Although they may seem relatively unaffected, they are processing their feelings through age-appropriate play and conversations. The child's age determines the degree of understanding she or he will have, and adults need to modify their explanations and support to meet the developmental maturity of the child.
It is not uncommon for children to feel left out of the experience of the adults, so a special effort needs to be made to help them find age-appropriate ways to participate in the events surrounding the death. Writing a letter to the loved one, drawing a picture, participating in the funeral or memorial service, or sharing stories and tears with others who are also grieving, helps them feel included and supports their healing. Be prepared to answer questions about death and what happens after a loved one dies.
Ways to Support Children
The following are a few ways to support children during the grieving process:
· Offer physical closeness, comfort and reassurance.
· Talk about special memories and relationships with the deceased.
· Read books about grief, look through photo albums together.
· Acknowledge and validate feelings.
· Talk about your family's ethnic or faith tradition about life, death and the afterlife.
· Be patient.
· Know that it's alright not to have all the answers. Children need adults to contemplate with them on important matters.
Helping Children with Funerals and Memorials
Allowing children and teens to say goodbye to the person who died is an important part of their grieving process. Participating in a service will show children how important their loved one was to others, and will let them know that it is okay to grieve.
Before the service, it is helpful to let children know what to expect: What is going to happen, who will be there, when and where it will take place and why it's important. Let children's questions and natural curiosity guide the discussion. If you are also grieving, it is helpful to assign another adult to share responsibility for observing and supporting children during the funeral or memorial.
Some children may wish to participate in the service. Bereaved children feel that their feelings matter when they can share a favorite memory or read a special poem as part of the funeral. Shy or young children can participate by lighting a candle or placing something special in the casket or on an altar. Depending on age and emotional maturity, children can also help pick out the casket, select clothing or jewelry for a loved one to wear, or select songs, music or readings for the ritual.
Should children choose not to participate, invite them to create their own ritual or activity for saying goodbye — for example, lighting a candle or planting a special flower or tree.