Talking with kids about a completed suicide
Keep it short and simple
Be truthful and consistent
Avoid unnecessary details
Prepare yourself for a variety of reactions
Reassure them of your stability
Make sure they know this conversation can and will continue whenever they want to
Consider these words:
Brains get sick just like bodies do.
Some people feel so much pain that they can’t imagine how it will ever end.
There is a lot we don’t know about what was going on in his brain.
We know he didn’t do it to hurt us. We know he loved us and we loved him and we will not forget him.
sptsusa.org -Helps school staff work with students to process loss through suicide.
Terminology
Speaking of Suicide A guide to how to talk about suicide.
I discovered after attending some groups, talking with others, and doing reading about suicide that there are certain terms that are considered sensitive and others that may be more offensive or hold negative connotations. The most talked about one is that saying that one has “died by suicide” may be better than saying that they “committed suicide.” The idea here is that we “commit” crimes and suicide is not a crime. This really resonated with me and I am now working to change my language.
There are a number of other words that were offered as comfort to me that I know was with the best of intentions but that did not sit quite right with me. Some of these are “he is now better off” (I’m not sure!), “It is probably somewhat of a relief to you and your parents” (Sometimes I guess but I would rather have him here!), and “one day you will be able to move on” (not sure I ever will or will want to). What has made me feel particularly guilty is when people have gone on and on praising my parents and me for all we did to support him in life, calling me an “angel” and a “hero.” I guess I feel like it takes the attention away from Steve, and from all he did to try to survive. It’s not about me. Some people have seemed to have a somewhat morbid fascination with the manner of his death and have asked me for details that I now know I don’t need to share.
This is by no means supposed to be a list of do’s and don’ts about how to talk about suicide and loss. It is only a reminder that words are powerful, have individual meanings and connotations, and it can be interesting to understand how messages we receive or deliver affect us.
Keeping him Alive
I talk about Steve quite often. I talk about things he liked to do, funny things he said, remember childhood memories. I tell people that I have a brother and if pressed about where he is, tell them that he is no longer living. I worry about his memory fading for people, particularly my kids, and talking actively about him helps keep him present. I also think it gives the message to others that I am OK with talking about him, that they can speak of him and ask about him. I think that because Steve died by suicide some friends and family have been particularly reluctant to mention him, as if it is a taboo subject. Of course like everything, this is an individual process for each of us. What are ways you keep your loved one alive?
Resource for Schools
To help children who have experienced loss through suicide: