The initial loss of a loved one is a traumatic experience all on it’s own, but the multitude of losses that follow are surprising, and just as painful.
What is secondary loss? “Where the death of a loved one is considered the primary loss, experiences that flow from that death are called secondary losses.” Speaking Grief
These secondary losses are all the messy, unexpected, complicated consequences that come after loss; they exacerbate feelings of sadness, isolation, and stress.
What and why are these secondary losses so troubling? Why do they feel so heavy? “While the impact of the primary loss is something we can anticipate, even as it’s excruciating and devastating and feels unimaginable, the secondary losses often catch us off guard. They come in many forms, each making the hole of the initial loss expand even further.” Psychology Today
Secondary losses are a normal and expected part of grief. Identifying and acknowledging them is the first step in processing them and moving forward.
Relationships
It’s It’s a sad fact of grief that on top of losing our person, we often lose other relationships, too. Friends and family might think we’re grieving too long or not grieving long enough. They might be uncomfortable around our sadness and become more distant or resent us for not being able to spend time with them in the ways we used to. Friends who promise to be there fall off at exactly the time we need them most. They often unfairly judge what we do or don’t do next. Humans are not great at reacting to seeing those they care about uncomfortable.
Unfortunately, this can lead to the end of relationships. Grief changes people. The important part is that you find people who support you and your personal journey through grief and who you feel comfortable about sharing your experience with.
Financial Stability
Financial security affects many grievers. When one income in a two-income household is lost, forced sacrifices are just another major blow…and this consequence happens quickly! Major decisions have to be made even when the grief is so fresh that you are still numb to your reality.
Sense of Belonging
You are no longer invited to couples date nights or family vacations…the harsh reality that your life has changed, but others are still in tact. Your connection you had with others through your loved one has been suddenly severed.
Identity
You’re a mother or a father, a daughter, a wife or a husband. Often our identity lies with who we were to others in our lives. It’s the identity we have proudly owned! When that identity is no longer current, who are we? We are a widow, an orphan, a bereaved mother or father. Our new identity is written across our foreheads… or that is how it seems. We see ourselves how we believe the world sees us.
Lifestyle
Small indulgences and activities you once enjoyed are no longer doable. This could be due to financial restrictions or just an overall loss of any sense of joy you once had. Every cancelled membership is a reminder of your loss and how it has impacted so many aspects of your life.
Hope & Dreams
Loss changes everything…lives are permanently altered. What we once dreamed about are now a distant memory. Finding our new footing in this new, strange, dark world means finding different dreams and goals and burying some of our old ones.
Health
I talk about this so often, but our health is negatively impacted by our grief. “The death of a loved one is recognized as one of life's greatest stresses, with reports of increased mortality and morbidity for the surviving spouse or parent, especially in the early months of bereavement.” NIH National Library of Medicine
We stop paying attention to our own bodies, because we are just trying to survive. Grief actually has physical ramifications on the body…that has been proven. Grievers experience everything from immune system failure and gut disruption to brain fog, body aches, depression and more.
Friendships
Sometimes, having a friend who is “too sad all the time” is too much. This is where many fade into the distance. There are exponential reasons why friendships don’t last through grief. As a culture, we get an F in grief support. The majority of our society won’t truly understand how to be there for a grieving friend. Honestly, even I get stumped sometimes and this is my full-time job!
If you don’t see a secondary loss you have personally experienced, your losses still matter. For a more expansive list, READ THIS article. Remember, all grievers experience different secondary losses.
Where do we go from here?
Be honest with yourself and with your supporters. The more we can acknowledge and name our feelings, the better support we can receive. Keep the communication lines open to those who want to help, but don’t exactly know how.
Find other individuals who know grief first hand and understand the emotions and challenges that come with a loss. This could be in the form of a support group, closed groups on social media, a trusted therapist. (Be aware: there are people in this world who look for easy prey and will take advantage. I’m not saying not to seek out, but to trust your gut. If it seems fishy, it’s usually fishy.)
Give yourself and others compassion and grace. Grief is unchartered territory for many. There is no handbook for grief and every experience is unique. Grief doesn’t operate on a timeline.
If you need help navigating any of these losses, please reach out to us. Our website offers resources for the greater Sacramento area, but even if you don’t live in the area, we want to help you find what you need to get you moving forward.
Sources:
Speakinggrief.org
Psychology Today