What do you say to someone who has just had their life ripped apart by grief? Their life will never be the same, and for a long while they will sit with grief and there is nothing anyone can do to change that.
Let’s face it. Grief is awkward. We don’t have a manual for uncomfortable discussions. I wish there was one, because I would use it personally. Unfortunately, what might be helpful for some, might be triggering and hurtful for others. So how do we navigate supporting and caring for those who are grieving?
David Kessler says this: “When in the position of wanting to help a friend or loved one in grief, often times our first desire is to try to “fix” the situation, when in all actuality our good intentions can lead to nothing but more grief. Knowing the right thing to say is only half of the responsibility of being a supportive emotional caregiver.”
When you’ve gone through the loss of a loved one, it’s almost as if there is a barrier put up between you and every person in your world. And it’s not until that person acknowledges your loss that that barrier comes down. And it doesn’t have to be anything brilliant.
Every person will feel differently about the words that are said to them. This is the tricky and scary part about talking with them. Be honest with them. Tell them you’re not exactly sure what to say, but that you’re thinking of them.
What Not To Say
It was part of God’s Plan.
Get over it.
You’ll find someone else.
She’s in a better place.
God wanted her.
You’re still young, you can get married again.
You’re so strong.
You shouldn’t hold on to his things.
Take a hot bath.
You’ll eventually get over it.
It’s time to let it go.
God doesn’t make mistakes.
He would want you to be happy.
At least you have each other.
They lived a good life.
It was meant to be.
I can’t imagine.
Everything happens for a reason.
Call me if you need anything.
At least they aren’t suffering anymore.
For more stupid things not to say to someone who is grieving, read this article by What’s Your Grief.
What to say instead.
It’s ok to be a mess.
I miss him too.
I’m thinking of you.
It’s a hard day.
Let’s go get lunch.
How are you doing TODAY?
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I’m here for you.
I have no idea what to say, but I love you.
Do you want to talk?
Do you want to tell me about them?
My favorite memory about your mom is…
Give a hug instead of saying anything.
When someone experiences a loss through death, that loss isolates them from the world they “once knew”. Every person they had a relationship is tested…do they acknowledge the loss or fade into the distance with silence. It doesn’t have to be anything dynamic or brillant that is said.
“So often one of the best things to say is, “I don’t know what to say.” When you say to a grieving person, “I don’t know what to say,” in a sense it shows respect for their loss, as if I don’t presume to have an easy right answer, something to say that’s going to fix this. And so that’s a good thing. Or just to say, “I’m so sad.” Sometimes we tend to think that someone who’s going through grief, that their sadness is a problem. And we want them to get through that sadness to being happy again — or back to some sense of normal — and yet it makes sense when you’ve lost someone you love, that you be sad.” (Desiring God)
Things to Remember When Speaking to Someone About Grief
We are not there to fix it or minimize the death.
We can model grief: It’s ok to talk about this.
“Any sentence that starts with “AT LEAST” is minimizing, so avoid that.
Being strong is not for you, it’s for others…so that they don’t need to be uncomfortable.
There are no right words, just show up.
Entering into a conversation with someone who you know is hurting is scary, but an act of love and compassion. Start the conversation honestly and express how you’re not entirely sure what to say. Be genuine and authentic and just start.
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