The idea of joining a grief support group might feel uncomfortable, especially if 1) you’re an introvert, 2) you’ve never done it before, or 3) you don’t like admitting that you need help. But really, grief support groups come in all shapes and sizes. What is a support group?
A grief support group offers a different quality of support and connection that comes from being with people who have also recently experienced a loss. Grief support groups provide emotional support, validation, and education about grief. A support group is a place for establishing a connection with others to decrease the isolation that grief brings. It can serve as a forum for understanding common myths about grief and typical grief patterns.
Grief support groups come in a variety of shapes and sizes. :Sometimes they are specific to a type of loss or tragedy. They can be less specific, as well. Sometimes sessions are led by a licensed therapist or counselor, or by a religious leader. Sometimes a trained volunteer leads the group. Regardless, the loss of a loved one is the shared experience that brings the group together. Here are five benefits of a grief support group:
What to expect during a grief support session
A support group should be:
A community that validates and normalizes one’s emotional reactions.
A place for learning that there are many ways to grieve, all of which are natural and acceptable.
A resource for gathering articles, poetry, and reading lists to further one’s awareness of the many aspects of grief. Discussion of articles can serve as a springboard for identifying important meanings in one’s own loss and to learn from examples of how others have faced their losses.
A place for learning new coping skills, relaxation techniques, stress management skills, and daily survival skills that others in the group have found effective. The opportunity for members to help each other brings strength, confidence, and a new sense of purpose and value.
An opportunity for personal writing and/or journaling that promotes self-examination and encourage exploration of the many aspects of loss over time. It is healthy to re-examine the loss at different times in the life cycle, (such as young, middle age, or older adulthood), to recognize self-change and growth, and feel good about these changes.
A sounding board where members can present ongoing or new concerns, report on progress or challenges, and safely come back for help when they experience setbacks or backslides in their grief journeys.
Benefits of a Group
Grief support groups come in a variety of shapes and sizes. Sometimes they are specific to a type of loss or tragedy. They can be less specific, as well. Sometimes sessions are led by a licensed therapist or counselor, or by a religious leader. Sometimes a trained volunteer leads the group. Regardless, the loss of a loved one is the shared experience that brings the group together.
Here are five benefits of a grief support group:
Finding Community (You are not alone)
Perhaps the biggest benefit to joining a support group is finding a community you can be vulnerable with. Depending on your life and circumstances, it might be hard to open up with friends or family members. With a grief support group, you are all there for the same reason – to process your grief and move toward healing and reconciliation. There’s freedom in opening up to people who don’t inform your everyday life and who are solely interested in helping you heal. And if friendships arise from the group, all the better. You have advocates for your continued grief journey.
A Different Perspective
No two grieving journeys are the same. However, those who have experienced a similar loss may have valuable advice and suggestions, critical insights, or a different outlook to share. By listening and learning, you may come away with some useful perspectives to help you move along on your grief journey.
A Sense of Belonging
Positively impacts your mental health. In many ways, it’s easier to keep our feelings to ourselves, but that’s often not the best choice for good mental health. Getting things off your chest has a cathartic effect. Being open, sharing what’s going on inside, dealing with your emotions – these are all proven ways to deal with stress and improve mental health. Studies have even shown that grief support groups can even help reduce depressive symptoms after loss.
Finding Hope and Fostering Personal Resilience
In a grief support group, you will find people who are at various stages of the grief journey. Interacting with people who are further along the grief journey can instill a sense of hope and inspire your own resilience. There is a better future ahead as you actively work through your feelings of grief.
A Safe Space to Express Yourself
Within a grief support group, there’s a commitment to listen, encourage, and help each other. This sense of commitment and camaraderie creates a unique opportunity to be real. Surrounded by a group of hurting people, you don’t have to hide your own hurt. Instead, you can open up. Create common bonds with the people around you. Express what’s going on in your own heart and mind freely. This is a safe space – a place where you won’t be judged, a place where you can find validation and encouragement.
Learn From the Wisdom of Others
In a grief support group, you have access to a wealth of knowledge and experience. You will hear about coping skills that are new to you. You may learn more about how the mind and the body react to grief. With the valuable insights and tools you learn, you can create daily practices that will help you manage your own grief and move toward healing.
Myths vs. Facts
Myth: There aren’t any support groups in my area.
Truth: There are tens of thousands of support groups nationally and globally, in-person and online. There’s one available for nearly every problem and condition.
Myth: I will be required to share my story.
Truth: In most groups, you can choose to speak or not as you feel comfortable.
Myth: I’ll feel even more depressed after attending a support group.
Truth: The simple act of sharing your problems can be extremely cathartic. So, most people feel uplifted and encouraged after attending a support group.
Myth: A support group will fix my grief:
Truth: Grief groups will not take away all of your pain or grief. They are meant to help you through the difficult days and give you coping skills to manage your loss until you learn to live with it. You can live with it when you understand it; and it doesn’t consume every waking moment.
Myth: Groups are places of judgement.
Truth: Grief groups aim to avoid judgment. You’ve heard the phrase, “You can’t understand someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.” Grief groups provide a safe place and avoid comparison. No one can determine that his or her loss is more significant than another’s. If an occasion where judgement arises, hopefully the right facilitator will quickly deal with this.
What if a Grief Support Group Isn’t Right for Me?
While grief support groups help thousands of people every year, it’s not the best fit for everyone, and that’s okay. It is important to remember that support groups are not the same as therapy. Although group leaders are sometimes mental health professionals, often they are not. If you're looking for a more formal therapeutic approach, you may want to consider talking to a mental health professional.
It can be discouraging. “It is common for people to attend support groups looking for guidance, hope, and reassurance. Those early on in their grief especially may be looking for evidence that things get easier. Attending a group with this expectation may lead to feelings of hopelessness when others in the group, especially those further along in their grief, are still expressing pain, frustration, and negativity.”
Try to keep in mind that bad days can still happen years later. Also, people who are generally doing well in other areas of their life may use the support group as the one place where they can still talk about their pain and their loss.
Sometimes, people ruin your experience. This sounds really harsh, but sometimes all it takes is one person to derail an entire group. The monopolizer, the know-it-all, the interrupter, the inconsiderate, and the excessively negative person can easily reduce a groups chance of ever being seen as a safe, open, non-judgmental, supportive and constructive environment. If your group facilitator knows what he or she is doing, this will not go on for long.
Red flags
The facilitator lacks skills and training.
It’s essential for facilitators to control their meetings. They shouldn’t allow anyone in the group to take over or monopolize the group’s time. They should be clear on the group guidelines and be willing to enforce them. For example, they should not allow disrespect or the sharing of medical advice. Also, they shouldn’t take the entire group time to share their own problems, leaving little or no time for others to share.
The group is too large.
The time goes quickly during a support group. If it’s too large, not all participants will have a chance to share and get the benefit of what the others share. Generally, ten or fewer members works best in a support group.
The confidentiality rule isn’t enforced consistently or at all.
Group members often share many sensitive issues at a support meeting. It’s essential for facilitators to enforce confidentiality at group meetings so that every participant feels safe. Participants should be discouraged from getting involved in group texts, chats, and social media outside the group where unmoderated discussions can become disrespectful. Students or other observers shouldn’t be allowed to observe or record the group for educational or other purposes.
The primary focus is promoting a product or service.
It’s common for nonprofits or other groups to sponsor support groups. If they ask for high fees to register, or they’re promoting products or services (such as medications or therapeutic services), the sponsor may have the wrong motivation and the group may not be as effective.
The group always ends on a bleak note.
Discussions in a support group can get heavy at times and drag down the group’s energy. A skilled facilitator develops ways to bring the group’s energy up before the meeting closes, leaving everyone feeling hopeful and optimistic.
Things You Need To Know Before Joining a Group
You may not be “ready” to attend a grief support group. If it’s too early in your grief, the thought of sharing feelings might be overwhelming. You may also be looking for instant validation that grief gets easier, and the truth is it takes time. There are no quick fixes. You know yourself best. Some people are ready in weeks, for others it may takes months or years before they are ready to accept the loss and moving forward.
Grief groups are not formal therapy or professional counseling sessions. They are an assembly of individuals facing a similar experience. It’s a place to find comfort when another person’s experience feels similar to yours. Groups are a place to share and support, but not to get professional advice on how to deal with the specifics of your loss or other problems that result from loss.
Grief groups can help you discover choices that may enrich your life in the future. Healing your grief sometimes involves difficult choices, forward planning, and perseverance. No one can “grieve” for you or determine your future path. You will be challenged by changing values and priorities. A grief group can help you recognize your options.
Grief groups offer Hope. Grief groups help rebuild self-esteem, establish resiliency, and create stability. After significant loss, you are forever changed. Discovering your new normal and the “new you” reveals so many possibilities for future growth and empathy.
Ultimately, grief groups serve a purpose other than admitting that loss hurts. It’s a place to recognize that you are not alone. It’s a place to surrender your hurt and allow others to absorb your pain along with their own. It’s a place to heal.
Getting the most out of a support group.
1. Attend on a regular basis. You’ll get the most out of a support group if you attend regularly. It will help you get acquainted with other group members and increase your comfort level.
2. Participate in the discussions. Participating in a group keeps the discussion flowing and everyone engaged. Other participants will look forward to hearing your updates and any words of wisdom you have to share with them.
3. Be sensitive to others in the group. There’s always a chance that something could come up during the group that upsets you or rubs you the wrong way. Be cognizant that people who come to support groups are dealing with serious, sensitive, and emotionally charged issues. If you can’t look past it, bring the issue to the facilitator’s attention, and give them a chance to resolve it.
4. Recognize when a group isn’t the right fit. A productive support group depends a lot on group dynamics. With different people joining and leaving the group, group dynamics can change. If things aren’t working out, you might consider switching to a different support group.
5. Choose a support group that best fits your age, location, or type of loss and find the supportive encouragement you need for the grief journey ahead.