Grief is an experience none of us here on earth can avoid. Sometimes, the loss of someone is even harder when the circumstances are clouded in mystery or shame such as a suicide or an accident. Chances are, you have had someone say something insensitive to you and that created a divide. Well-meaning friends and family spinning your truth with their “silver linings” only distances you from them… It’s like rubbing salt on a wound.
Whether you’re supporting someone in it or are deep in it yourself, here are some tips to remember during those hard conversations.
The most important thing to remember in terms of conversations around your grief and the person you lost, is that you are in control. You can decide what you say, when you say it, and to whom you say it to. Sometimes, just reminding yourself of that can be helpful.
If you’re approached, but are not ready or feeling up to it, simply thank the person for asking or for starting a conversation. These conversations are difficult and their intentions were likely to help, so it’s always worth saying this to encourage future conversations. If you don’t feel like you have people around you that you can talk to, you can actively seek out new people and communities-like us.
If someone asks for details you’re not comfortable giving, you could say something like, “Thanks for trying to talk to me about it, but I don’t want to talk about those details. I’d prefer to talk about what they were like, or how I’m feeling. Could we talk about that instead?”
If you’re in a good mood but don’t want to talk about your grief, you could say, “Thanks for asking, I’m feeling good right now so I’m not in the mood to chat about it, but can we chat if that changes?” This way they’ll likely say yes and reiterate that they’re there if you need them. It keeps the conversation open, but you have control over when that happens.
You can engage with a charity, support group, local or online community, where you can meet and chat to new people who have been through similar experiences.
It is often easier to cut yourself off from the world than to talk about something terribly painful and confusing. Give yourself grace if and when you unexpectedly lash out at someone…it happens. Some people won’t ever get it, and that’s ok. It is possible to keep an open dialogue with those close to you whether it’s friends, family, or co-workers.
Hard conversations are par for the course after a loss, but establishing guidelines for yourself and others can help from things getting out of control. It’s a steep learning curve for everyone involved. The goal is to surround yourself with support that is both positive and sustainable.
Sources: suicideandco.org