In the aftermath of loss, our lives often feel like a ship without a rudder. Our once stable, predictable world is replaced with chaos, new challenges and an uncertainties. Grief changes the trajectory of our world. We now live on a timeline of “before and after loss”. Somewhere along that line between deep pain, disbelief and the rest of our lives, lies our healing process. For many, moving forward in our healing includes finding a new purpose for ourselves.
You might be asking yourself questions such as,
~Who am I now that my life has changed?
~Where do I go from here?
~What is my purpose in life now?
Finding purpose can be a very healthy and positive step in the right direction for a griever. Howard S. Kushner writes, “Life is not primarily a quest for pleasure…but a quest for meaning.”
Perhaps you’re in a space of seeking your new purpose in life, carrying this new badge of “healing from grief”. Maybe you’re needing a deeper meaning to your own story…one that honors the life of your loved one and provide comfort to others experiencing loss.
Here’s a few starters to consider:
Get Back to the Basics
Sometimes finding purpose can be as simple as making a daily to-do list to help you through the day. This could mean getting out of bed, making the bed, taking a shower, brushing your teeth, having breakfast, etc. Sometimes when we are lost in our grief, these daily tasks can seem overwhelming but it is important to remember that each item on your to-do list that you cross off is a win. Maybe the purpose of the day is to take the dog for a walk or to organize the linen closet. Whatever it is, finding meaning in the basics of your daily life will help you kick start your new normal.
Purpose Comes From Within
Did your loved one find great joy in nature or a community organization?What brought their lives meaning? Things that your loved one is connected to can also be a great way to stay connected to your person and also give back to the community. Sometimes that means volunteering with an organization that somehow connects to your person or it could mean learning how to cook your person’s favorite foods and trying new recipes every week.
Meaning Making
How we understand and make sense of our experiences is called meaning making. Meaning making has been shown to help people have more gratitude, feel like they have more wisdom, and also move forward with their new normal. A way to make meaning of your experiences is to begin journaling about it, talking with friends and family who you feel are understanding and loving, seeking therapy from a professional, engaging with a spiritual community you connect with. We can find purpose after the death of a loved one through allowing ourselves to process and make sense of what happened.
Some key questions to ask are: 1. What is this teaching me? 2. What can I learn from this situation? 3. How can I honor my grief feelings? 4. What do I want the rest of my life to look like?
Space for the New
Allowing the capacity for new interests and activities, new career endeavors, new relationships, new experiences is so important in finding purpose after loss. We have to find ways to make room for these new things in our lives because they can bring new meaning, new purpose and new positive experiences. If we get stuck and stay stuck in how things “were” then we are not integrating our grief into our new normal. Finding ways to be open to the future will help you feel more like yourself. Making space for the new while also honoring our feelings of loss and grief and being able to feel both is a sign of processing the grief and finding purpose.
Before you start thinking you need to be doing more to find your own life’s purpose in your new world…slow down, give yourself grace for where you are right at this moment and remember a few key points from bereavement expert David Kessler :
*Meaning is relative and personal, only you can find your own meaning.
*Meaning takes time. You may not find it until months or even years after a loss.
*Meaning doesn’t require understanding. It’s not necessary to understand why someone died in order to find meaning.
*The “why” you must answer is not why your loved one died, but why you lived.
Why are you here? What meaning can you bring to the rest of your life? What meaning can you find in those who are living?
*Even when you do find meaning, you will not feel it was worth the cost of losing your loved one.
*When we can find meaning, we are able to move forward in our grief and not become stuck.
“Ultimately, meaning comes through finding a way to sustain your love for the person after their death while you’re moving forward with your life. That”
― David Kessler, Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief