The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of joy, togetherness, and family gatherings. However, for those navigating the holidays with strained relationships, this time of year can bring unique challenges and a mix of emotions. We want scenes straight out of “This Is Us”, and we get “The Roseanne Show”.
“I don’t want to disappoint the family, but every time we get together, we end up fighting.”
“I’m just going to go and bite my tongue. I can make it a few hours.”
“I don’t know how many more holidays I will have with him, even if they’re always stressful.”
When we have strained relationships, the holidays can often be a cold and dark season…literally. The loss of what we hoped our relationships would be is grief. Many families are divided spiritually and politically. Covid showed us how easily our differences can separate us from our loved ones. There are a growing number of parents with estranged adult children. There are grandparents who don’t get to see their grandchildren. Loss comes in many forms.
Let’s explore ways to cope with the complexities of family dynamics during the holiday season and focus on finding peace and understanding.
Acknowledging Emotions:
It's crucial to recognize and validate the range of emotions that may arise during the holidays. Feelings of sadness, guilt, anger, and even relief can coexist. Allow yourself the space to feel these emotions without judgment, and understand that it's okay to grieve the family dynamics that may have changed.
Setting Realistic Expectations:
Managing expectations is key when navigating the holidays with complex relationships. Instead of striving for a perfect family gathering, focus on realistic goals. Consider redefining what a "successful" holiday means for you, whether it's finding moments of joy in small celebrations or prioritizing self-care.
Communication (if possible):
If there is an opportunity for communication, approach it with empathy and an open heart. If it feels right, extend an olive branch. There’s hidden opportunities in the holidays for reunions, however put boundaries in place so the involved parties (including you) don’t feel taken advantage of.
Creating New Traditions:
Embrace the idea of creating new traditions or modifying existing ones to suit your current family dynamics. This could involve spending time with supportive friends, volunteering, or engaging in activities that bring you joy. By focusing on positive experiences, you can shift the holiday narrative and reduce stress.
Seeking Support:
If big holiday plans didn’t work out, find another way to spend this time with people who bring you comfort. Reach out to friends or groups who can provide understanding and empathy. Sharing your feelings with others who have gone through similar experiences can offer valuable insights and emotional support.
Seek Out Nurturing Activities:
What special holiday traditions do you remember about your childhood? Give yourself permission to indulge in those traditions this season. (Christmas parades, Christmas tree lanes, holiday music, baking cookies, watching old Christmas movies.) Whatever positive memories you have about this time can be revisited.